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 Burning Skies -----WIP-------

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Turken
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PostSubject: Burning Skies -----WIP-------   Thu Mar 12, 2009 9:38 pm

Here's what I've typed over from my notebook so far. Let me know what you guys think.






The Pharaoh-Queen Trilogy

Burning Skies
Written by Joe Fuentes




Captain Duncan stood at the wheel of his ship, the Shining Nugget, barking orders to the crewmen. “Get those rear cannons ready ye bloody codfish! We’ve two o’them crimson pirates on our arse!” The Shining Nugget was a fair ship captained by Duncan Ganthet. He was a stern and just a little overbearing, even for a dwarf. They Shining Nugget was being followed by the Crimson Pirates. They were recognizable by the red sails they sported. They were a small group of ruthless pirates that sailed the air near the north of Nerin Toth.

“BRING IN THE SAILS, LET’S NOT BE GIVIN ‘EM A BIGGER TARGET TO FIRE ON!” Capt. Duncan tried his best to keep the ship steady. The dwarf turned the ship into a gathering of clouds in an attempt to lost the pirates, or at least by them a little time. The Nugget caught the moist air from the clouds and gathered some speed. Once they burst from the cloud cover they were the better part of a ship and a half away from the pursuing pirate ship.

“Where’d the other go? KEEP YER EYES OPEN FER THE OTHER SHIP LADS! DON’T LET HER SNEAK UP ON US.” The captain was barking orders to his crew. His prized weapon hadn’t come out yet from the quarters. The dwarf grabbed one of the crewmen, bringing him down to the dwarfs level. “Go get Karia. She’s needin’ to be out here.”

“Aye, Cap’n.” the sailor spoke as he sped off to the quarters.

The rear gunnery had the cannons ready and the Shining Nugget pitched forward as the cannons exploded, firing the balls of shrapnel. The balls of metal tore through the sails of the trailing pirate ship. The sails shredded and the main mast buckled and dropped into the deck of the ship, piercing all the way through the depth of the pirate ship. The ship slowed it’s pursuit and started to descend.

“YEAH! SINK YE BLOODY SQUABS!” Barked the captain at the sinking ship. Then he turned back to the front, looking for someone specific.

“BRILL, GET YER ARSE UP TO DA NEST. FIND THAT OTHER SHIP, I’M GONNA PLAN IT RIGHT NEXT TO IT’S FRIE…

CRASH!

A reinforced main mast crashed through the starboard side of the Shining Nugget. Half the crew were jarred off there feet, including the captain. Brill fell over the railing of the crow’s nest, barely catching himself before he became a smear on the deck.

“CAPTAIN, WE’VE BEEN RAN THROUGH!” Yelled Brill from the over the edge of the crow’s nest.

“NO KIDDING YE DAFT FOOL! Now get down here and help!” Pirates were boarding the Nugget through the opening that the mast made. They were climbing the mast to get on the deck. The captain tied the wheel to keep the ship going in one direction, then he pulled out his small hammer and dagger.

“PREPARE TO REPEL, LADS!” Shouted the captain to his loyal crew as he himself took off to meet the pirates that were stupid enough to board his ship first.

The crew of the Shining Nugget were experienced in this sort of combat. Captain Duncan and his crew did their own fair share of piracy, but now there were on official business. The pirates were after the cargo the dwarf’s ship carried.. A pirate swung a cutlass at Duncan, but misjudged the distance between the sword and the dwarf, missing wildly. Duncan didn’t hesitate to capitalize on the pirates fatal mistake. The stout dwarf spun with same direction as the swung sword for good measure and momentum causing him to swing the hammer down on the foot of the pirate. The pirate howled as he pitched forward to try and grab his foot. Duncan was the quicker, the dwarf brought his dagger up blade first to be embedded in the throat of the pirate until it touched his brain stem. The pirates own momentum forward buried the weapon to the hilt. The dwarf let the dagger drop with the body. Grapplers were thrown and attached to the railing of his ship, allowing more of the bloodthirsty Crimson Pirates to board.

“Where is that woman?!” grumbled Duncan. “KARIA, YE BETTER HAVE A GREAT PLAN FOR HOW LONG YER TAKING WOMAN!”

Karia was the ships wizardess. She’d been with Duncan for several years. The woman kept the runes that kept the ship in the air. Her knowledge of the arcane arts were unmatched on the sky ship. The woman was elven by blood but human by upbringing. Her slender form burst from her room carrying a rapier in one hand and a large glass flask in the other. She wasn’t skilled as a swordswoman, but the many men on board the Nugget had a hand in helping her to learn defense. She parried one pirate after another, never paying attention to those she batted away as the were engaged by the other crew members of the Shining Nugget. The captain ran up to defend the woman as she made it to the railing.

“Tell me ye got something good, Girly!?” said Duncan as he leaned back so she could hear him.

“Oh, I do captain!” Karia said while smiling. With that the wizardess went into her spell casting, tracing arcane symbols in the air, leaving glowing red trails where ever her fingers were.

“NIKTAVAROQUE MAGNARUUJM INFERNAHZ”

As the elven wizardess finished the last inflection of the last word she let go of the flask. The container tumbles end over end until it is suddenly stopped on the deck. Shattering instantly. The red substance splashed on the deck and started to grow exponentially , engulfing the deck quickly. A cool pirate that came into contact with the substance and started to howl instantly and burst into flames.

Soon after the sails of the pirate ship caught on fire, as did remaining mast of the ship minutes later. The crew managed to disengaged the mast of the last ship from the Nugget and the remaining pirates of the invasion were all slain. Some thrown overboard to die in the ever expanding fire of the Crimson Pirate ship.

The ship barely more than embers as it fell into the ocean.


Captain Duncan and the crew took the next several hours to assess the damage to their ship. They would need to be major repairs to the starboard side of the ship. That would keep them in port for at least a month. The captain was unhappy by this turn of events. He wanted to make it to Krest before the summer started.


Last edited by Turken on Tue Mar 31, 2009 10:43 pm; edited 3 times in total
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PostSubject: Re: Burning Skies -----WIP-------   Thu Mar 12, 2009 11:11 pm

Turken wrote:
Captain Duncan stood at the wheel of his ship, the Shining Nugget, barking orders to the crewmen. “Get those rear cannons ready ye bloody codfish! We’ve two o’them crimson pirates on our arse!” The Shining Nugget was a fair ship captained by Duncan Ganthet. He was a stern and just a little overbearing, even for a dwarf. They Shining Nugget was being followed by the Crimson Pirates. They were recognizable by the red sails they sported. They were a small group of ruthless pirates that sailed the air near the north of Nerin Toth.

This should be two paragraphs. It should be split between 'arse' and 'The Shining Nugget.

Turken wrote:

The woman kept the runes that kept the ship in the air.

This sentence sounds clunky. Are the 'runes' actual physical objects?

Turken wrote:

Ash the elven wizardess finished the last inflection of the last work she left go of the flask.

I have no idea what you're saying here. Read the sentence out loud to yourself. I tried several times and it makes no sense to me.

Turken wrote:

The container tumbles end over end until it is suddenly stopped on the deck. Shattering instantly. The red substance splashed on the deck and started to grow exponentially , engulfing the deck quickly.

This was a problem that I noticed Nick had, a while back. You're shifting between past and present tense terms. While granted, the story gets told, it jerks the reader out of the scene and makes it harder to lose yourself in the story. Try to stick to one or the other (preferably past tense).

Turken wrote:

A cool pirate that came into contact with the substance and started to howl instantly and burst into flames.

This is another one of those sentences where I'm not sure what you're saying.

Turken wrote:

Soon after the sails of the pirate ship caught on fire, as the other mast of the ship in but a few minutes.

Sounds clunky. Maybe change it to: "Soon after the sails of the pirate ship caught fire, the mast of the other ship did as well, but even quicker."


Other than those few things and some odd grammar errors (like in some places where there should have been the word "the" you had the word "they") I'd say it's very good. it pulls the read in right off that bat and doesn't let go of them until the end of the scene. Very well done.

I would add that perhaps each time a new character gets introduced, they're descried some. Even hair color helps the reader visualize, while still letting their imagination do a lot of the work.

You did REALLY good with your dialogue. Over the years that I've read you're writing that is clearly the area you've improved the most in. Keep it up!

Can't wait to see more!
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PostSubject: Re: Burning Skies -----WIP-------   Fri Mar 13, 2009 12:03 am

Yeah I started falling asleep as i was typing it. Especially the sail/ mast part. I'll correct it

Good point on describing the characters more. i just wanted to get the story down. This as actually the rewrite of what I did last time with the continuation added in. I have more I have to type up but it will have to wait until Monday.

As for the runes, those are explained in the next part I'm going to post. I actually have quite a bit about them. which also ties into the second book directly, but as you know you won't know that until I get the second book done, but first things first.


Finishing this one.
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PostSubject: Re: Burning Skies -----WIP-------   Tue Mar 31, 2009 10:42 pm

___Corrected a few things about the first post I didn't like and then wrote more. I still have quite a bit to put up, but I'm tired. I'll get more up tomorrow. I still have another 3 pages or so to put up.

Without further a'do.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------


“Well lads, ye all did a fine job o’ defendin’ the ship. Looks to me like we’ll be plotting a detour for repairs.. Brill back to da nest. You other squabs, get to work we need to make ourselves look less like a lame horse.”

“Helmsman, I’ll be in my quarters.”

This was going to be a long spring.


Captain Duncan went to his quarters. it was by far the most lavish of rooms on the ship. The captain stood amongst his most prized possessions including various oceanic and topographic maps, mostly made by the crowman Brill, and other papers strewn about the top of the desk.
Duncan was still a young man by dwarven standards, having only one hundred and twenty-seven seasons under his belt. His dirty yellow hair clung to his face with the bottom ends braided into his beard. Dried sea spray crusted in his beard. His green eyes seemed permanently bloodshot with the skin red around his eyes. His clothes were salt crusted as well. He kept fresh clothes for when they went to port, but always had his sailing clothes cleaned at the first wash house he saw. The captain went to his chair behind the desk. Behind him were great windows that looked out to the wake left by the Shining Nugget. The dwarf took a sigh. He would give his crew a healthy share of the ships coffers.

“Dem boys earned every shilling and ‘dem some.” Spoke the captain to himself.

A knock rapted upon the door. The person at the door didn’t wait for an answer. Kiya came in and closed the door behind her.
“What’cha be needin’ girl? Can’t ye see I’m trying to get some rest a’fore we fall out sky?” Said the gruff dwarf.

The wizardess wasn’t fazed by the dwarf’s demeanor.
“Yer not foolin’ anyone cap’n. Yer hear be racing just as the rest o’ us!” She said with her best dwarves accent.

The dwarf cocked an eyebrow at the girl. “Who would believe a learned witch would be about dumbin’ herself down te’ speak like a dugg’rn dwarf! Them wizards lords of Akeshem would think they failed which’a!”

“T’ be sure!” Kiya said with an innocent laughter in her voice.

The two had a few laughs together. The human wizardess had only been with the dwarf for two seasons but he had come to feel for her like she was his own kin. This is why she was entrusted with the runic stones that kept the Shining Nugget in the air. The wizardess understood the fundamentals of the imbued stones. They were directly connected to the ship. There were fives stones on board the Nugget. Bigger ships had more and small ships had less. As a ship took on damage the stones would start to wink out. Once all the stones went dark the ship couldn’t stay in the air and would start to fall from the sky.

“How are the stones?” asked Duncan after a while.. Kiya got serious. “That ramming mast almost did us in. I’ll have to get them recharged and retuned once we make port.”
“Where are we making port, Duncan?”

“I was just getting to figuring that out a’fore ye came in. By me reckoning we shoul dbe some where North of Peregren. Best I can see’ We’re a day from Hillkhan if’n we ride the High Winds.”

Kiya looked at the captain with concern in her eyes. “The High Winds? The winds up that high could tear the Nugget to pieces!”

The captain didn’t look up. “It’s out best shot, girl! Down here we be easy prey for the other snoggin pirates. Tell the helmsman our course.”

Kiya got up and turned to go out of the room. He knew that she would have to enspell the ship to give her protection from the winds. But she would have a time concentrating with the lack of air and gustic pressures of the High Winds.

“Aye, Cap’n. I’ll be telling the good men soon as I be leaving yer quarters!” With that Kiya stepped out of the room and slammed the door behind her as she left.
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PostSubject: Re: Burning Skies -----WIP-------   Wed Apr 01, 2009 11:28 am

Im a little confused by just one small part:

"Them wizards lords of Akeshem"

Whats "Akeshem"?

Question
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PostSubject: Re: Burning Skies -----WIP-------   Thu Apr 02, 2009 1:43 am

That will be explained in the next part that I post. talked about Akeshem
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PostSubject: Re: Burning Skies -----WIP-------   Sat Apr 04, 2009 10:19 am

The Sun baked down on the desert kingdom of Akashem. The nation empire sat on the bottom of the large island. North of Nerin Toth and northeast of KrestVirtually untouched until traders happened upon the island. Various trade routes opened up towards the island. The traders were impressed with the towering pyramids and castles erected as if they grew from the sand itself. The cities were beautifully constructed and the colors of canopies and other fabrics that blocked the sun were vibrant and lush. The country of Akashem now had trade ports and was constantly growing. One of the seaports housed the Pharaoh’s home. It was like walking into the Godshome itself. The Pharoah Eben-Khan watched over his empire from this home.

The pharaoh sat on his thrown contemplating the information his most trusted advisor had just given him. Eben-Khan had been born into royalty. His father died when Even was fifteen. He ascended the throne on that day and had taken to ruling the county of Akashem ever since. That was twenty years ago.

“Are you sure of this, Shukta?” Said the Pharaoh to his advisor, an old withered man, gaunt in appearance, almost looking like a walking skeleton. The man wore brown robes outlined in golden trim. Not the height of fashion, but the advisor had worn the same robe throughout his career under Eben-Khan and even his father before him.. Eben-Khan kept his kingdom happy. Many referred to his reign as the ‘Golden Age of Akashem’.

“That is what my men has told me hour Highness.” The wizen old man said with a grim visage on his face.

The king has a look of astonishment on his face.
“After all these years! My daughter returns to me. She has , for too long, been away from my side! She will see the golden empire that I have created for her!’ The pharaoh was excited for his daughters return. He had missed her all these years of her absence. What tales she would tell of the far away land of Nerin Toth.

“Prepare the city! We will have a festival for her return!

“Yes, Your Highness.” Shukta said as he turned on his heel and exited the throne room. He didn’t feel the same about the return of the Princess Amunet as the Pharaoh. The woman lusted for her fathers power. The pharaoh would do anything for his daughter. The woman learned early on how to manipulate her father. Many men met there end because of a whisper from her into the ear of her father.. Shukta saw this of the woman. Even the old advisor himself had fallen for her sultry whispers. Shukta still punished himself for ever showing her the intricate study of the arcane arts. Which led to her being sent to the school at the Tower Arcana in Nerin Toth. The woman had long surpasses the trainings of the Wizard lords of Akashem. A small group of learned men and women that studied the arcane arts. Pharaoh Eben-Khan long ago gave them a small section of land as an incentive for them to stay and teach those adept Akashemians the Arts. The wizards there helped to further her knowledge of Magick. The princess had been gone for nearly seven years. In that time Shukta solely had the ear of the Pharaoh save for one. His military advisor General Rikzar. The general controlled the entire Akashem army. He constantly advised the further expansion of the kingdom of Akashem north to encompass the rest of the continent. General Rikzar wanted his great campaign. He wanted his mark in the annals of Akashem history. The general was young but ambitious. Just a few years older than the princess herself. Well trained in the martial arts, it was this superior training and his ferociousness in combat that brought the young man to the attention of the pharaoh the man was well over six feet tall with strong broad shoulders and a strong muscled frame sporting a short cropped hair and a bronzed skin tone. The general carried a kopesh on his left and a kukri on his right. The man was proficient with both hands when wielding weapons, but favored his left hand. In combat Rikzar carried a custom sized shield just slightly smaller than a medium shield, the general used it as a weapon with deadly accuracy and force. The shield was half crescent moon in shape with soft edges and small blades adorned two out of the three sides of the shield. Shukta never argued with the general unless the two were in the company of the pharaoh. Shukta knew there was a connection between the general and the princess, couldn’t find out exactly what. Was it business or romantic in nature. The old advisor wasn’t sure.

Shukta saw the return of the princess as a bad omen. He would have to be prepared for this new wizardess.

“I must speak with the wizard Lords.” mumbled Shukta.


--------------------V----------------------------------------V--------------------
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PostSubject: Re: Burning Skies -----WIP-------   Tue Apr 07, 2009 1:32 am

Dude this is getting really good. Although you kind of strayed from using paragraphs in the last post. Having such a huge paragraph is tough on the eyes. Break that up some and it's pure gold baby!
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